By Eve Rickert, Andrea Zanin
Ethical nonmonogamy guide with compassion
Subject
Themes
The romantic fairy tale of two people meeting, pledging fidelity and living happily ever after is not an ancient truth but a relatively recent cultural invention. Mononormativity, the imposition of the monogamous couple as society's organising unit, arrived in Canada through European colonisation as a strategy to dismantle Indigenous family structures and assimilate diverse populations into capitalism. Alongside it came heteronormativity, the gender binary, and amatonormativity, the belief that romantic love represents the highest form of human connection. Yet reality consistently defies this narrative. People grow, change and discover new truths about themselves. No partner can guarantee permanence, and expecting one individual to meet every need reflects a narrow cultural framework rather than a universal truth.
The romantic fairy tale of two people meeting, pledging fidelity and living happily ever after is not an ancient truth but a relatively recent cultural invention. Mononormativity, the imposition of the monogamous couple as society's organising unit, arrived in Canada through European colonisation as…
The second edition of this guide to nonmonogamous relationships arrives at a moment of significant cultural tension. Nonmonogamy has moved from the margins into mainstream visibility, with dating apps offering polyamorous options, television shows featuring openly nonmonogamous characters, and a…
Society enforces a single acceptable relationship trajectory: dating, exclusivity, cohabitation, marriage, children. Amy Gahran popularised the term "relationship escalator" to describe this prescribed path, and anything that deviates from it is treated as defective, incomplete or doomed. This…
Every relationship contains power dynamics, but nonmonogamous relationships make those dynamics visible in ways that monogamy often conceals. Three forces, connection, commitment and power, interact continuously within any partnership. Connection encompasses the passion, shared interests and…
The mantra of nonmonogamy is communication, repeated so frequently that it risks becoming a platitude. Yet genuine communication extends far beyond simply talking more or sharing every thought that crosses one's mind. It is a practice rooted in vulnerability, self-knowledge and the willingness to be…
The words boundary, rule and agreement are used interchangeably in everyday conversation about relationships, but the distinctions between them carry profound implications for how people treat one another. Confusing these concepts leads to structures that feel protective on the surface but undermine…
Mononormative culture promises that the right relationship will be a fortress against change, a permanent shelter from the uncertainties of life. Finding "The One" is supposed to mean settling into a stable configuration that persists unchanged until death. This promise is seductive because it…
Mononormative societies funnel relationships onto a single trajectory known as the relationship escalator, a concept popularised by Amy Gahran. Dating leads to exclusivity, then cohabitation, marriage and children. Anything deviating from this path is treated as defective. Same-sex relationships…
Trust forms the bedrock of every nonmonogamous relationship. Building it requires consistency, honesty, reliability and follow-through over time. Trust also means trusting partners to make good decisions for themselves and to handle difficult emotions. The temptation to manage a partner's…
Rules, agreements and boundaries are frequently conflated, but the distinctions between them carry enormous practical weight. Boundaries come first because they are fundamentally about the self. As Prentis Hemphill puts it, "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me at the same…
Empowered people in intimate relationships can express needs, talk about problems, and expect partners to accommodate those needs within reason. Empowerment cannot be given to someone directly, but environments can be created that encourage it. Disempowerment, however, is readily inflicted, and it…
When one person in a partnership wants exclusivity and the other does not, few challenges prove more difficult. A mono/poly relationship, where one partner identifies as monogamous and the other as nonmonogamous, ranks among the most demanding structures to navigate well. The monogamous partner must…
Change is inevitable in relationships. People grow, needs shift, and the things valued today may not exist tomorrow. Clinging to what a relationship currently is, insisting it must always remain the same, risks making it brittle enough to shatter. Allowing change with grace, without demanding…
By Eve Rickert, Andrea Zanin
Subject
Themes
The romantic fairy tale of two people meeting, pledging fidelity and living happily ever after is not an ancient truth but a relatively recent cultural invention. Mononormativity, the imposition of the monogamous couple as society's organising unit, arrived in Canada through European colonisation as a strategy to dismantle Indigenous family structures and assimilate diverse populations into capitalism. Alongside it came heteronormativity, the gender binary, and amatonormativity, the belief that romantic love represents the highest form of human connection. Yet reality consistently defies this narrative. People grow, change and discover new truths about themselves. No partner can guarantee permanence, and expecting one individual to meet every need reflects a narrow cultural framework rather than a universal truth.